Attachment Trauma

Attachment is the very important bond between an infant and their primary caregiver(s). Anything that significantly and/or chronically disrupts or harms this relationship is considered attachment trauma.

This form of trauma can be quite deep and difficult to articulate. Sometimes people don’t even realize there is wounding there until they get into a healthy relationship, have their own kids, or get into therapy. Sometimes this type of trauma is due to circumstances outside the caregiver’s control, such as separation due to hospitalization, military deployment or incarceration. 

Sometimes this trauma is due to a significant misalignment between the child’s needs and temperament and the care-giver’s abilities to attend to or meet those needs. 

This can be seen with neurodivergent kids with neurotypical parents and for some trans and non-binary kids before coming out to their families. And of course, sometimes this trauma is due to outright abuse or neglect. 

This type of trauma is so serious because it’s within this primary attachment relationship that we learn what relationships look like, how to identify our feelings/needs, how to get our needs met and how to self-sooth.

Something I often hear from my clients is that their caregivers did the best that they could, and/or how they know their caregivers loved them. And they are often quite right in this assessment. This can be true AND at the same time, it may be true that that they don’t feel loved and that the lack of a healthy attachment has been harmful to them. Both can be true.

Unfortunately this emphasis on intentions of the caregivers, rather than the impact on the individual is often reinforced by other family members and society. 

This focus asks folx to understand and have compassion for those who hurt them but are not extended the same compassion or consideration. This is not about blaming caregivers.

In order to heal it’s important to be able to honestly acknowledge the hurt has been caused.