Codependence, Interdependence and Independence

I find that there is a lot of confusion and misuse of the term codependence in our society. And I have seen people pathologize normal connection using this term. So I think it’s worth going over the differences between independence, codependence and interdependence.

Independence is something we over hype and romanticize in American culture. Independence is an island from which we see ourselves as separate from others, making choices and depending on oneself alone. Think of independence as the “I” paradigm, where one does things for the self, “I am central.”

Unfortunately in our culture, there is a false sense of our ability to be truly independent and it is where we get the concepts of pulling oneself up by one’s bootstraps.

In codependence there is a reliance on, and need for the input and guidance of others at one extreme and a need to take control of relationships. Codependent people tend to not know or communicate their boundaries or needs due to prioritizing the needs of others and/or fear of losing others if you express “the wrong” opinion/need, etc. Think of independence as the “You” paradigm, where one does things for the self, “You am central.”

With interdependence there is a mutuality to the dynamic in which all wants/needs are considered and valued. Individuals can operate and make decisions on their own and feel comfortable voicing their needs, boundaries and concerns. Think of independence as the “We” paradigm, where one does things for the self, “We are central.”

We are inherently social beings and valuing our partners (romantic, familial, or friendship) is not inherently problematic. Making decisions that considers others is not inherently problematic.