Hard wired for attachment
In our culture there can sometimes be a sense of embarrassment or shame at wanting or needing others, but I think it’s important to know that we come into this world hardwired for attachment.
According to John Bowlby who developed attachment theory, attachment is a behavioral system designed to ensure our survival as infants when we cannot meet any of our own needs and we must rely on the bond (attachment) with our parents to ensure our needs are met.
As an infant, when we have a need, physical or emotional, our attachment system is activated, and we seek proximity to our caretakers. This might take the form of crying for them, reaching for or calling out to them.
These behaviors are attempts by the infant to ease distress or discomfort and thus, restore feelings of safety. If the child receives the comfort, reassurance, or care that they need, their nervous system calms down and returns to homeostasis.
This is how our caretakers help us to coregulate our nervous system, which in time is how children learn to regulate their own nervous system. This is also how secure attachment develops.
When the infant’s needs are not met, they do not learn how to regulate their nervous system, leaving them at risk for developing dissociative disorders, or problematic strategies for self-soothing, such as cutting, substances, and/or disordered eating.