@TraumaTherapySD

  • Interpersonal trauma and shame

    Interpersonal trauma is the type of trauma that occurs between people, as opposed to a natural disaster or car accident. And it often comes with shame, silence and keeping secrets. A significant reason that many people keep silent about what they’ve gone through is the belief that it’s their fault and the resulting shame. 

    Unfortunately, this can often be compounded by messages from the abuser(s), messages from faith groups, and messages in society. AND I am here to tell you it is not your fault. Just because you may have made some bad choices, that never justifies abuse. The abuser is responsible for the harm they have caused.

    Sometimes this is because a person is raised with the idea that you don’t share family business. But it’s important to know that this stance simply protects the abuser. Sometimes this silence is due to the fact that when trauma occurs and the fight or flight system is engaged, the part of the brain that’s responsible for speech goes offline. This means it can be hard to put into words what happened, both to yourself and others. 

    Sometimes this silence is due to direct threats from the abuser. Threats of harming you directly if you tell, sometimes it’s threats to harm loved ones or pets. There is legitimate fear there and it’s important to know that you are not a bad person for wanting to keep quiet for this reason. 

    It’s also important to know that many times these threats are just words and not things that the perpetrator is actually capable of, and this might take some work with a trusted other to figure out. But I want you to know that silence perpetuates your suffering. 

    Speaking your truth can healing when done with trusted others or in safe spaces. Tell a friend, tell a therapist, tell a spiritual leader. Tell yourself in story or song. Speak your truth, even if your voice shakes.