• Quote by Alexis E. Arbuthnott

    In the work that I do with traumatized folks, I find that there is often a fear of conflict. I think this is something that we learn in our American culture, and that gets heavily reinforced in toxic families.

    This makes sense, in unhealthy families conflict is often magnified, loud and scary. And just as importantly, there is no repair that is made to the relationship. Things are swept under the rug, not spoken of, and ignored.

    But in reality, the strongest relationships don’t lack conflict and ruptures, what they have is an ability to come back together and repair the rupture. And just like a broken bone that has mended, the relationship is actually stronger.

    Repair is important from infancy onward. We do not need to be perfect to have healthy, happy relationships and secure attachment. We need to be good enough, to make an effort, to be vulnerable enough to apologize and work to make things better.

    This is good news, it means we don’t have to get things right the first time. We will usually have the opportunity to repair, to come back and figure out how to move forward together.