• Quote from Patricia DeYoung

    In Patricia DeYoung’s Understanding and Treating Chronic Shame she writes, “Perfectionists, procrastinators and pleasers are often hiding chronic shame.”

    Perfectionism, procrastination and people pleasing are all attempts to cope with, fix or mask shame.

    This strategy often develops early in neglectful, toxic, shaming home environments growing up. When we feel shame, we believe that we are fundamentally bad, damaged, or wrong somehow.

    With people pleasing, this may be an attempt to earn relationships or be seen as valuable for what the person can do for others, as they do not believe they inherently bring value and deserve love or relationships. These folks learned they needed to earn those things through meeting others’ needs.

    Perfectionism is an adaptation to a similar up-bringing, in which the child is trying to be perfect to make up for, fix or mask what they see as their fundamental badness.

    And procrastination is often tied to perfectionism and may be an avoidance of performing because of the pressure to perform perfectly, it’s giving up before they can fail or shutting down due to the internal pressure to be perfect.